The Dilemma

180 , 179, 178... the red light signal at the dilkush circle was flashing the number. Sitting in my car , I was really frustrated about missing the green signal by a few seconds . I could have easily made it, had it not been the auto rikshaw that almost blocked the road for 10 min near the last signal.
Waiting for the signals is always frustrating even though those 3 mins in this heavy traffic isn't really a lot of time. During those few seconds, you actually realize that you are getting late. It wasn't really  the 3 min wait, which  I know I have to wait for the greater good of traffic smoothness,  what really scares me at dilkush circle are the bunch of beggars: the old lady in torn clothes, the young girl with an infant tied on her back, a bunch of young kids and the handicap with a twisted gait. They start knocking at the windows with a sad face that can make anyone cry if you are not used to seeing them everyday. It puts me in a dilemma whether I should slide my window and give them some change or should I just keep looking straight ahead, ignoring them.
Same thing was going to happen today. The moment the red signal counter reached down to 170 , a young girl with an infant emerged from no where and was knocking on the window of the first car. My car was 5th or 6th in the row at the junction. With some calculation , I was pretty certain she will have enough time to pass by my car and I will have to think through my dilemma.

I knew almost for certain that these young girls are either victims of the begging mafia or too lazy to do any work. I knew giving them money would only bolster the whole illegal , immoral begging industries (if we can call them so). Though I had made up my mind about not giving the money , but somewhere the thought that what if this girl really needed the money? was there somewhere and causing me little discomfort about my decision.
She was moving towards my car with very little success. I was looking at her to analyse if she is a liar or indeed in need. It was impossible to tell the difference. I remember seeing her yesterday too.The infant on her back seemed sleeping peacefully ignorant of all the heat, pollution and the drama going around. I was certain she is just a setup otherwise which mother will carry her kid in the hot sun/pollution. The red light was still going to be on for next 20 seconds. She had reached to the car next to me. The guy sitting in the car next to me actually slide down the window but only to curse her. She didn't even say anything other than just standing near his window. How could he scold her?  I felt bad and decided to change my mind. I forgot all of my reasoning and felt good about deciding to give her money, by the time i turned my face around , i see her standing near my window, looking at me with the same old face i was used to seeing. But this time I felt a bit happy ,thinking may be I will bring a  smile on her face. I quickly turned towards the side pockets in the car to find my wallet and then the moment of realization came. I realized i left my wallet at home today. My wife had just called me sometime back to tell me that. I looked around but couldn't find any change. I turned towards her with a feeling of embarrassment, but by the time I could say something to her , explaining my situation she had moved ahead to the red maruti behind mine . While the driver in red car was thinking what to do , the traffic signal turned into green and I had to press the gas pedal.

Moving to a new apartment

This weekend I moved to a new place. A bigger , better and brighter apartment . The change was much needed  and we have been thinking about it. Our old apartment was nice but smaller  but been there for too long . There wasn't enough space to even put a dining table. Last but not the least the 'social' pressure of living like a married couple instead of a bachelor which I ignored it for too long . Given the number of bachelor friends going down steeply , I succumbed to the pressure and decided to at-least move to a place where there is a scope to decorate/improve the home if I wish to. When we started looking for an apartment (as our lease was about to expire ) , we found this condo which we really liked ! Basically what I am trying to say is that we had many reasons to move .

Anyway we are almost finished with our move after around 10-15 hours of moving stuff.  TV is done , lights are done it all looks better. But somewhere I find something is missing. It just doesn't feel like home , what my last cozy apartment used to feel like. The master suite bathroom is very much like the hotel I stayed in last month. House just seems bigger for us. I have never been used to living in a nice spacious place anyway. This reminds me of the time I changed my apartment in Bangalore. I had similar feelings , it is as if I have come to a new place. 

The new house with boxes around make it look full, where the old empty house gives a feeling of emptiness. Moving always comes with mixed feeling for me. I think your apartment , your setup in the house , streets and all these non-living ,silent stuff around you make you dependent on them. You may not emotionally be connected with these things , but connected enough to get uncomfortable when anything changes. Things that you never observe, become part of you without you even knowing it , I guess.

My new place is almost as near to my office as my old place. everything else is almost same, same office , same streets to travel but it all feels like everything has changed. In a way its good ,  tonight we did enjoy our stroll in the city as if we are in a new place.

The helping hands ... an experience in Indian train.

The guy standing next to me was smelling of alcohol and the toilet beside me smelled as if it was never cleaned. I had to bear it as there wasn't enough space to even move my head. The compartment was full of people. I wondered, from outside it would look like a cattle van . On my left side , 6 women sat on the seat of 4 , one carrying a bag of woods and other with a little girl yawning on her lap. The upper seat (reserved for luggage) was full of half naked dark men, who seem to be returning from a long day of hard work. There were lights inside the compartment but fans weren't working . Some people standing near the window were asked to give little space for air.I was standing near a door with a bunch of young guys who all seemed to be laborers in the near by mining quarry.All of them were drunk and enjoying the bantering about what happened at work. One of them had a bottle of water, the only one that I noticed in the whole compartment.It was a general boggy in Indian railway.The boggy of the poor people.

It was just a two hour journey and it did not make much sense to get a reservation. I thought , I would  most likely have to stand , bear the toilet smell and keep listening my ipod and the 2 hours will  just pass.I somehow managed to get into the train with the push from people trying to get into the same boggy. I also managed to find a place to stay near the toilet . Seeing couple of guys hanging on the door, I felt at-least lucky to trade the risk of falling down with the smell of toilet! Train finally started and everything slowly set in place, the initial push , people trying to move , eventually  was in some kind of equilibrium. People around me looked happy but there was a lack of hope in their eyes. Seeing an old sick man standing and coughing all the time, a young boy picking fights with others for a fifty paise toffee made me pity them. People smelling of alcohol, hair so clotted with dirt that it seemed they haven't taken bath for days. I started feeling , if this is the way a human should live? They seemed to have gotten used to their lives and were OK with what they had for their lives. They all argued /fought for a seat on the bench , a place to stand near window and seemed not to have any concern for whats happening around them. It all started feeling as if they were just some part of the this train, nut bolts of the machinery , which even though had thinking cells, decided to ignore them comfortably. It was hard to imagine that they would enjoy  the coolness of fresh air coming in , the fast moving green fields , or the symmetry in the flock of birds returning to their home. I wondered when people have problems like hunger , place to sleep, would they worry about anyone else?

Standing for 2 hours was  not something I was  used to. I had missed lunch that day so after a while I started feeling dizzy and wanted to sit , I asked a guy who seemed to have taken enough space for 2 people, I asked politely but  he not only refused but even pushed me away. I was taken back ,but not really surprised. At that moment , I just wanted to get out of the train not because i couldn't bear the toilet smell ,not because i was hurt  ,but everyone there seemed  comfortable with the whole setup and made me feel disgusted. I started feeling dizzy at that moment and was really scared that I might fall out of train. In few minutes I thought I had blacked out and almost fell , but not before one of those clotted hair young guys got hold of me. For a minute I don't remember what happened. but when my senses came back, I was sitting on a seat ,with an old guy calming me down , one of those guys sprinkling some water on my face and trying to make me feel comfortable. All 6 women and the men on the upper seat got down made enough seat for me so that I could even lay down if I wish too. Looking at their eyes I could see they were really concerned and everyone was trying to do something to help me.I felt grateful for their help and at the same time guilt. My stop was coming in 10  mins. They helped me to the door and gave me the same bottle of water and said good byes when train stopped.  I was proven wrong about them , but that actually made me happy.

PS: an image showing the general compartment in Indian railway.[ courtesy: http://community.photojournale.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/3.jpg]

2012

I have been thinking about some of things which I would like to do in 2012. Its not really a resolution but just a to-do list for me. Following is something I came up with (pretty quick to my surprise):

• A long drive : I would like to go for a long drive around 1000 miles at least. I went to glacier national park this year with friends and I really enjoyed it. I think for this year we can target Yellow Stone or somewhere in California. The best part is the drive itself , stopping at random places to sleep and eat. We could do it over a long weekend with one day off. Best time would be May long weekend?
• A trip to New York: I think it's high time to make a trip to New York. I have been hearing so much about NY and really wish to see the place. Though I feel the best way to get a feeling of a city is to actually live there , but I think a 3-4 days visit would probably do.
• A working year: I think I was not really up to my 100 % efficiency last year. This year I would like to do more creative work then just lazing around. It could be office work , or some other hobbies( we will come to that later) or just a better time management.
• Writing: I think I have to find out how good I can write. ( I probably have the expectation set , but would like to see if it can be improved). There are 3 types of writing I would like to try and then concentrate on one of them: a)Blogging b)story plot  and c)script . So you should hope to see more blog posts from me :) . I also have to make sure that "A hard working year" doesn't conflict with Writing. I usually can't focus on 2 things.
• Finding myself: I have a difficulty in knowing what I really want and I think this is purely driven by social factors. I have been meaning to be more clear with what I want ranging from smaller stuff to bigger events. I have to re-discover myself. Lets see how it goes.
• Arranging house: spending some time in making the living place a little better and mostly renovating it to resonate with us.

few more to-dos would be to make a europe trip , skiing practices etc.

This list contains common stuffs that a person usually does in life. My goal is to make sure doing it better and in a complete way. When you work on something it should move forward , One should be able to measure if he is actually doing what he had planned. I have never been good with lists, assuming that I can always refer my memory, no need of a list. But the problem is, you never do that. Whereas when you see the list ,it reminds you what you wanted at some point of time and its OK to think that you may not want the same,but it makes you think. One ingredient for a satisfying life is to know that you did or tried what you wished for.

One more thing you might observe the change in the theme of my blogs. I usually don't like to write about myself , I like to be the observer where the subject is something else. But as you can see I have hardly written many blogs. I would move to make myself as subject , not that I feel like a celebrity,but purely due to  the idea of writing-more-makes-you-write-more.My blogs can still contain information that might be useful , but the chances that they will try to influence your thinking might be reduced.

and a sincere thank you for reading it till here and happy new year! :)